Day 13: Compose a series of vignettes (Writing 101)

IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD, THEY SAID…

I feel fat.  My hair is brittle.  My face is erupting like a long string of vile volcanos.

My eyes burn as tears emerge without my permission. Today I have to face the world.  I don’t want to face the world- as a matter of fact, I think I’ll stay right here in my bed and cry the day away.

I’ll ignore the emails, the calls, the texts- as the horrible ache in my stomach grows with each “ding” of my phone’s notification center.

Doom is lurking and I don’t dare open the door.

It’s all in your head, they said…GMH_ 26_SEPT_2015_BOSQUE-6552

My heart is racing. I’m sitting still. In the darkened room.  All day. I wonder if I’ve lost all hope.

It’s all in your head, they said…

The faucet runs, so do the tears- I am not wanting to face these fears.  Are they founded or are they false- all I know is I can’t shift my thoughts.  As I stare intently at my reflection, the steam is slowly blurring my already blurred view.  A view I dare not share. My thoughts are fighting to feel the slightest shred of joy- these thoughts are rigid and need to be broken.

It’s all in your head, they said…

I know what the truth is, so what holds truth bondage? My thoughts, of course, they are savage and wrong. Dark insight kicks me so hard in my gut.  I just might vomit or maybe just bawl- this day is so wretched, how much more shall I fall?

It’s all in your head, they said…GMH_ 26_SEPT_2015_BOSQUE-6663

Outside the sun shines. The children are joyful. My heart sinks further, my thoughts just won’t quit.  But one text “dings” and I peek at the screen.  It’s my friend and she’s asking for prayer.  For a moment I’m silent, then a shift in thought sends a ray of brilliant light into my dark sullen mind.  I’m worried about her and no longer mine.  Because,

It’s all in your head, they said…

I read in the Bible, a beautiful verse:

“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.”  Proverbs 23:7

The bright beam of light, ignited by one simple request, set my thoughts on the course to realize what’s good.  To remember my journey- to Glorify His Kingdom- is all my mind needed to turn from dark into light.  Words from the Bible triggered yet more and more words- from the wise Joyce Meyer in her book titled, “Battlefield of the mind”:

“If we focus on the negative things in our lives, we become negative people.”

Negativity can creep in without warning or notice.  I began to reflect on the past couple of weeks- I could see a pattern in my writing and in my speech.  Suddenly I realize, the thoughts had been compounding- they were growing with every little nudge of anything remotely negative. My mind became a magnet, growing with intensity.

It’s all in your head, they said…GMH_ 26_SEPT_2015_BOSQUE-6631

“They” are correct- it’s definitely all in my head.  As Ms. Meyers points out, “We should choose our thoughts carefully!”  Life happens and it’s not all happy and smooth-flowing goodness. My mind needs correction from time-to-time, as many of my problems are created right here in my head.

Have you ever heard the story about the little boy who had two wolves to feed: one good and one bad?  His grandfather told him to feed the wolf the boy wanted to see grow in strength.  So, the question comes down to one choice– and it is a choice we must make- which “wolf” are you wanting feed?

I was feeding the bad, mean, ugly wolf. Thanks to God’s Grace, we are able to have the bad removed when we ask.  We are able to resume our journeys with pure hearts and clean slates: with a positively clear mind.

It’s all in your head, they said.

Amen to that!

Greta

18 Comments

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  1. It’s good to remember painful things without dwelling on them. I’m glad your bad times are fewer now. God bless you.

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  2. You write with piercing clarity. This post was stunning!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh this is interesting and inspiring as well!!! I am gripped from the start, It’s all in your head. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The battleground of good and evil starts with with a single seed planted in a fertile field called the Eden of the mind and a choice to know the difference. Judgement is the fruit that kills. Truth is the tree of life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sorry, that reply was sent off prematurely. I was writing from my phone and it’s glitchy at times with WordPress. The idea was that very little of our reality is actually real. Most of it is as you said “all in your head”. There is so much we sort through trying to give ourselves the most favorable outcomes in life that we have a hard time simply just being. It’s all guessing and second guessing till our minds are exhausted with probabilities. So many voices call out from within clouding choices and strangling hope and happiness. Our expectations rob us of the experience we are actually experiencing by replacing it with wanderings that take us away from where we really are. Joy, sadness, sorrow; these are all mental constructs designed to distract you from reality. ‘If only I could be happy everything will be better’ we think but isn’t that just another lie we tell ourselves so we won’t have to face the silence and hear voices in our heads? Who are these voices and why are they even there? Who gives them the right to invade our mental home where our thoughts dwell? They are all only you and your endeavors to understand what is right and what is wrong. We feel sad when we are wrong. We feel shame and sorrow for ourselves that we can not find the right path. And when a path is presented we sabotage it for fear of it not meeting our expectations. ‘It is all vanity and grasping at the wind’ as Ecclesiastes says. All is vanity as we grasp at higher ideals that have no measurable substance. There is no right or wrong answers. There are only those you most want for yourself. Desire is the enemy of happiness yet it is planted deep within you along with the seeds of hope. These two trees of Judgment and Truth grow side by side: Truth and Judgment, each testing you and calling you to decide. The tree of the Knowledge of GOOD and EVIL is only the desire to judge and it makes you feel powerful and so it is beautiful and desirable as it wants you to make decisions based on principles you put your value into. This tree is that of death as it kills your hope with constant defeat. But then there is another tree planted within you that overcomes the judgment of constructs like GOOD and EVIL that resides within us all, and that’s TRUTH. Truth is not desirable to look at. It has no form of comeliness and seems afflicted by nature as it gives no gain to the ego, yet it is the only hope we have for finding salvation from the darkness growing within. Truth breaks the illusion of GOOD and EVIL and shows you the light of reason. Truth gives hope to the hopeless and heals the blindness you possess because it shows that all of judgment is an illusion and that you can be free from the voices that haunt you from the shadows with faith that you can overcome and find victory within. These demons of the soul/mind possess the weak of will because they lie to you and promise you greatness for getting things right and they seem so beautiful for this reason. But as truth grows it cast perfect light into the shadows of disillusionment and brings clarity to mind and frees it from the lies that bind. Legions of shades bind you and they all fear the Christ like authority of Truth that grows within you. “Do not let us die” these dark thoughts cry “but cast us rather into the depths of your consciousness that we may yet live and surface again”. Fear is the tree of shadows making promises it can not deliver through judgment. Truth makes no promises save one… dedication to understanding will give you peace if only you can believe it can. Jerusalem (Peace) is growing within your heart each time you choose to let go of casting blame on yourself and others. Control and freedom, these are the two cherubs that bar your way to the Eden (paradise) of the mind. Judgment and salvation are two sides to a coin constantly flipping in the air helping you to decide. Both fight for dominance, both push and pull you through life. Yin and yang, negative and positive, shadow and light, passive and aggressive; these are the two trees that are planted within. You are a devil (To fall) and an angel (To rise) and only balance can unite both sides of you. Sadness is only the fear of letting go by having to admit that something is not as right as it once seemed. We hurt when we see our valuable things go. So we die daily on a cross that we may rise up anew, we gain understanding through endeavoring to grow our perfection of self each day, and then we shatter the mirror or break the water that it might calm and heal itself again. Each day we live and each night we die so that we may constantly renew the mind… free from the judgments that bind.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Wow, I am stunned at your clarity- it’s stepping back to view the whole picture rather than a small section (which usually shows graininess and imperfection.) Your response is immeasurably valuable and your words flow almost poetically. God gifted you with an amazing GIFT. Thank you for your study and willingness to teach.
        GOD BLESS YOU,
        Greta

        Liked by 1 person

  5. A great series of Vignettes ~ You had me hooked from the start ~ Well done Greta ~ 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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